I hear people say, that you meet people either for a season or for a reason.

It's odd because both imply impermanence.

Does that mean relationships are not meant to last? Are we meant to hang on to it for dear life, in order to make it work?

I love people. I'm afraid of them, but I love them.

I spent most of my life sitting in a corner, watching them, observing the minute details of their behaviors. That brow lifting at the comment of someone, the twitch in the eye when they catch a whiff of some bullshit, that dead look they just don't know they have. How they give away everything when they lie: a shrug, a change in tone, a split second hesitance, swallowing, double blinks or not blinking, a cough - all these tiny things you think mean nothing but are actually everything.

People are so... complex. You could meet some and they could mean absolutely nothing, not a damn change, and then you meet some that just fucking ruin you. Tear you from the inside out and leave you begging for mercy. And then you meet some, that turns dark into light, and cold into warm, like a switch hiding beneath your skin you never knew you had in you. Like a mirror sometimes too, or a wake-up call, or just... truth retold, in someone else's voice - because you needed to be told.

That you matter.

That you need to show up.

That you gotta fucking chin up and get with it.

That things will never go your way, but that's fine.

That there's help. Somewhere.

I have met so many people in my life, who have saved me, held a mirror to my face, unfolded me, disentangled my messed up self-perception.

I have met people who gutted me, and made me believe I was not enough, and made feel lonely in a crowded room, in my own home, in my own skin.

And they have come and gone.

Some of them have left scars, an imprint, a lesson, hope, despair, regret... some of them I cut out of my life, walked away from, forgot, let go... some of them I came back to, held on to, tried to save, tried to love, tried to hate...

Why am I saying these things? Because right now I'm on the verge of making changes in my life. And I never know which people to take, to keep, to foster and nurture and let in.

Which people to love.

Truly, honestly, without fail.

I want to go somewhere in my life where I am enough.

Where love isn't conditional, or transactional.

Just free and boundless.

I am tired of people.

They are beautiful and scary and so fucking lovable.

But they're all so different... from me.

And it hurts each time.

Trying to be like them, just so we could be friends, lovers, partners...

And no matter how many years I observe and uncover all these tiny tell-tale things every human does... I never understand their intentions. What they want from me.

I never truly get it.

People are, infinitely, a mystery to me.

Maybe that's where the attraction stems from. But why do they have to come into my life and do what they do to me?

Why do they leave footprints at my beach when I don't have strong enough waves to erase them off my shore? Why make me feel the way I feel and then disappear or, worse, never leave?

Why do I meet... the people I meet in my life?
To what end?

Build my character?

Teach me a lesson?

Show me my weakness?

Show me my strength?

To be loved?

To love?

What?

Why?

I love people. They are scary, complex and just mysterious.

And they are draining. And fulfilling.

And never mine.

In the end, no matter how they make me feel, or how hard I love them.

There's glass in between, and I am always outside... looking in.

I told Maricel Johny Motio (Make-up Artist), “I want the photo to speak for itself, but I need your help to make me look the part even more.” Bev Pablo (Photographer) asked why I thought of this concept. At the time, all I could say was, “Because I love painting.” That was partly true, but it wasn’t the whole truth—because it was hard to explain at that moment.

The truth is: I AM MAKING A STATEMENT.
I chose paint because I am an artist. That’s the one thing I’ve always loved about myself. Art has been my saving grace—my way of coping and expressing myself. It got me through my darkest times when I had no one. When I didn’t know about therapy, friends, community, and love. I STRUGGLED.

Always thinking I wasn’t enough. That I didn’t matter. That I wasn’t worth anything. Not knowing who I was, what I was for, or why I was even here.
I could easily blame it on 15 years of childhood trauma. I could also blame my many mental health disorders, my suicidal tendencies, my self-harming. I could even say it was my toxic marriage.
But none of that is who I am. Those aren’t reasons to just exist.
Yes, they shaped me—but they do not define me.

I want to define ME. Through therapy, medication, and years of working on myself—facing my traumas, addressing my issues—I STRIVED.
Then I found support and love from the In Touch community (a mental health organization). The first community that made me feel seen, heard, and valued. I THRIVED.

It was slow but steady progress, and I was satisfied...
But then I had to leave them because I moved to the UAE to rebuild my family—and that’s when I felt like I lost everything I had built. Because I lost my support system. I felt so much loss.

I REGRESSED. I fell so far back that I thought I was gone—completely.

Then I joined KAIZEN, and I didn’t realize it at first—but it was the community I needed. The push that would propel me forward. I didn’t just thrive—I FLOURISHED.

It took me two seasons to realize that, like I said, progress was slow…
But eventually, I realized:

I didn’t lose my progress after all. I wasn’t lost.
I just needed support—a healthy environment, the right people to nurture and nourish me.

Now, I smile at people. I approach them. I have conversations. I ask about them. I make jokes. I tease. I find myself actively engaging, offering support, advocating for mental health.
There’s sunlight above me. I look people in the eyes. I don’t shy away anymore. I don’t apologize for things I shouldn’t even be sorry about...

I see myself in the mirror—and I’ve never seen myself this bright.
Someone loved. Someone loving.

I told the Kunafa Kweens (Nanay Shi, Mazzy L Calderon, Maria Camille Balisnomo-Arguelles, Grace Ababan, Jane JP) that in my solo shoot—my transformation photo—I still wanted them to be part of it somehow.
Because they were the ones who pushed me to be better, to shine brighter. They are my inspiration. My standard for kindness, for helping others, for embodying what it means to be a Champion.

They also represent the Kaizen community, the UAE community, the In Touch community—the few true friends who believed in me, my sisters and brothers—who became my nourishing grounds in finding and accepting myself.
I got to this point in my life not on my own—but with support and love and a whole community behind me.

From always thinking I’m not enough. That I don’t matter. That I’m not worth it. Not knowing who I am, what I’m for, or why I’m even here—
Now I see myself clearly—that I am more than enough.
That I am worth every bit of love and blessing.
And I… I have the ability to pay it all forward—to pass it on.
So I will.

So I will keep doing this every day—this habit of showing up.
Not just for myself, my family, and friends—but for others, too, in a balanced and healthy way.
Because now I know—I am capable of so much more.
And there are no true limits.

So, what is the statement?

I WANT TO BE SEEN—THE WAY I SEE MYSELF NOW.
It’s not about showing skin, shocking anyone, or flaunting my body.
I’M BARING MY SOUL.

This is no longer about hoping or longing.
This is me ACCEPTING.
Owning my journey.
Owning my presence.
My value.
My worth.

I will always be on a journey of self-acceptance and self-discovery—of becoming who I am.
I will never be perfect.
Depression, mood swings, conflicts, challenges—Life—will still bring me down.
I will still lose things. People. My way. My strength…
But I will never stay down again. Never in a corner again. Never hide again or say, “That’s not me.”

I want you to know—
This is who YOU nourished.
This is who YOU supported, included, encouraged, and helped.
Who YOU lifted up and kept steady.
I love you. And I am grateful you’re part of my life.

This is who I want to keep being—who I will continue to create every day.
The result of love, kindness, understanding, and acceptance.

A transformation beyond words or photos.