I wrote a lot in my younger years.

I have several unfinished stories, scratched poems and uncountable musings.

I was able to finish one short story, which I submitted to the Palanca Awards contest - I didn't win but the euphoria of being able to finish something, have it printed, notarized, sealed, signed with my name and signature and mail off... is surreal.

I also managed to compile some of my writings into a book - it's not printed or published or anything - tho I do want to have it published or printed or something. At the moment I am not at capacity to pursue that so here I am having it published here.

You could say it's a little bit of poetry, or prose, or creative writing - or just writing. I don't know the best words to intro it but the summary, I feel, is best described by my chosen title:

This is not about the kind of fresh love that rejoices discovering each other and bathes in the details of the person who you've been with for a few months or a year. I'm not talking about those breathtaking, giddy moments where you say, "this could be the one." nor fate bringing two souls together to kindle each other's fire. Not the passion ignited between two souls.

No.

I'm talking about time.

And Sisyphus; the god damned boulder and the never ending uphill trek.

I want to talk about what it means to love, time and time again, in spite of everything.

Love

I am, by no means, an expert. Not on this topic, not in marriage, relationships or what-have-you. I'm your average human meat pondering on these thoughts, with an intention to understand and learn something I can better my life with.

What this is is an internal discussion, an exploration, and maybe my way of achieving some form of closure. But I need to write this, because where I am in life right now is I am Sisyphus with the motherfucking boulder, going uphill, thinking What is this all for? To what end?

That may sound gloomy, and probably tinted with angst, but more than anything it's just me trying to make sense of this... Thing. This life-encompassing thing we call Love. 

TIME

Some people move forward in their relationships after just a few months, settle into a cozy life together, and plan things without doubt or fear of things not lasting after all. Some people take years before they even move in together, while others get married in 2 years or less, others take decades. It's different each time, each person, each situation.

Regardless of your relationship's age, time proves love. It's not in the intensity of the feeling, or the amount of gifts or cuddles you give, but the number of times you show up for your partner when it matters most. How often did you forgive? How many times were you patient and understanding? How many times, in every unique, trying situation, did you choose to stay?

"For better or worse" does not hold itself without the passage of time.

It's not just time: length - but time: frequency + length.

How many times did you set aside your personal interests, emotions, point-of-view or side-of-the-story, to put yourself in someone else's shoes, hear what they have to say and really listen, or simply forgive? How often do they do the same?

I guess it's not about time as in how long you've been together. But time as in how often do you come through for each other that really speaks about the strength of your love, or rather the quality of it. This is where long-term relationships do have an advantage over newer ones as it provides them more moments to experience these opportunities to show the quality of their love. And it provides them enough data to determine what works and what doesn't. Of course, some relationships, despite being quite new can have a lot of moments spent together where situations demand showing up for each other.

Either way, some time is required to have passed by at the very least, for us to have the opportunity show up for our loved one.

COMPREHENSION

We can spend all our lives trying to teach our partners how to love us or what makes us feel safe but if they can't comprehend that puts extra obstacles in our course. Maybe that's what marriage counseling is for, or well-meaning friends. You know, trying to find a translator so you both understand the mysterious "point" that the other is trying to make. Although that's kind of an issue isn't it? Maybe they're not making a "point"... maybe they just want to be heard, and seen, for who they are, what matters to them, what they value. And here you are, counting eggs in the basket.

EFFORT

It's not always the chocolates or the flowers. It's time spent dedicating yourself to your person, and it's for the menial things - not your scheduled dates - like accompanying them to their mother's, or picking up materials for a renovation. Even staying up just to listen to them talk about how they don't feel right in this world. What do you do that says, "You matter enough to spend time and effort on."?

What does Effort mean anyway? What effort is to me might be peanuts to you. That's such a bothersome enigma, isn't it? I guess this is something worth discussing together, since not all relationships have the same needs and wants. For some, effort is not just meeting your partner halfway but all the way through when they're momentarily incapable. For others it's going beyond what's usual for you, going out of your own way, changing your perspective - all for the sake of your partner's well-being. Or maybe it's simply choosing to make an effort to learn what makes your person feel loved, and adhering to it, instead of following trivial acts of how society thinks love looks like.

In any case, the makings of our relationships lie within our choices.

CHOICE

Sometimes you can spend over a decade giving your all to someone and they wouldn't even notice it's there. Sometimes you meet online and in just two months you're holding hands, making love, and forgetting everything and everyone else. Infatuation is such a precursor to Love that it's difficult to know that something will last long until it's fully dissipated. And Love is such an obstruction to your deep emotional needs, it's hard to see whether what you have is something that is right and good for you.

So how do we know?

We choose.

Time takes us across as we make effort to comprehend each other during our most unlovable moments. In between all these conversations, circumstances, opportunities and problems - we make our choice. Over and over again, we choose.

To move on, or let go.

To forgive, or forget.

To change, or walk away.

To hurt, or to heal.

WHAT IF

What if they don't choose us? After all the ways we've changed, improved, adjusted and compromised - in the end, we are not the choice? We can count all of the ways we've been the bigger person, have swallowed our pride and took the most risk - just for this to happen. Just for this to work.

And no matter how much of a saint or a martyr you've been, that still won't change the fact that it didn't work. It didn't happen. What now?

How do we love?

What do we do in response to the people that hurt us? That use us? That come, that go, that bring in happiness, and then bring in pain, and leave it there for you to deal with for months or even years. How do we come out of this?

And that's where it gets interesting, really. The more we cope through the absence of "love" the more we find that there's an abundance of it elsewhere - in different forms. There's love from your family, love from your friends, hell - even from your pets. We find love in a book, or an artwork in a gallery, by an artist you don't know but feel connected to. We find love in the mountains, while the sun breaks through the summit. In a beach, during high tide under moonlight. In a busy city street, eating Chinese, watching people pass by on the way to their lives.

In ourselves.

In the way we brush our hair after shower.

How we make ourselves a cup of coffee before work.

How we set time for movies and tv series.

How we treat ourselves to our favorite things.

How we allow ourselves to cry, when things swell up.

How we tell ourselves, "It's gonna be okay. You're okay."

And it's still a surprising thing, despite it happening often - it's not how we love them but how we love ourselves that brings meaning to the experience.

And maybe this is what it is.

It's not a love story between two people, but a love story of the self...

damn.

The wonderful part about playing indie games is that you can expect a unique perspective in every one of them, and there's certainly something about Robotherapy that makes it worthwhile.

Brought to you by Lucas Molina, Robotherapy is a dark comedy game about robots doing therapy. Interesting yet? It takes place in a dystopian society that killed all the humans who thought that it could make them happy. And yet they aren't - so the question goes, If killing all humans doesn't bring happiness, then what does?

The Story & The Game

Enter: Smokes, who is a self-proclaimed Robotherapist who also happens to be the best one in the world - claimed by him, of course. You play as him and talk to robot clients to deal with their depression. You meet interesting characters throughout the story who - I'd have to assume - have quite the personality chips. They are funny in their own way and the interactions with Smokes is like this conversation at a dry bar. Smokes himself is quite the character - he's a cynical, oddly narcissistic, speaks-his-thoughts-out-loud and short-fused robot.

I think Robotherapy is a dark comedy mostly because that's how the interactions are between each character - comedic, splash of dark jokes: killing animals next and all. However, despite its quirky take of meaninglessness of life without humans, it does manage to touch on mental health. It even features some strategies that is used in therapy to deal with depression and anxiety. It surprised me that some of the thought processes included in the game somehow reflected how present mental health interventions happen. That's amazing, isn't it?

The story does take an interesting turn as we go further and the focus shifts to Smokes' life, from depressed robots post-human annihilation. And this is where I pause and hope the stuff I've mentioned above are enough to give you an idea of what adventure you're going into and whether it might be true that Smokes is the best robotherapist in the world.

As for the aesthetics and the environment, it gives me the retro feels. Very simple graphic elements and not a lot of effects really to expect. It is overall pleasing and the soundtrack is pretty funky and cool - retrowave-ish? Some scenes have a good beat going but they are mostly recycle throughout different scenes.

The writing done in this game is just profound. It just emits existentialism from a comedic, inhumane, point of view. Plus - it brings therapy in a good light: showing it as a means to feel better or just move forward.

Mechanics

The game is presented as a visual novel or narrative so the only interaction is clicking - either to the next paragraph or the next scene. There are minigames here but, again, interaction is by clicking. Throughout the game you are presented with choices, you can either go the dark path of being an unempathetic therapist or one that tries to connect with the robot clients. Or you know, just to be funny. It affects the story to some extent but not completely that the end result is altered. From what I know there's only one ending.

I don't want to say any more because I tend to overemphasize and the message gets lost in all the words, so I hope the ones I've written above are enough. If you're looking for a unique, emotional, dark comedy-laced, 2D game and don't mind just clicking - put Robotherapy on your list.

It just released this August 7, 2023 and might still be on an introductory price on steam. Don't hate on me if you miss it.

Toodles.

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If you're interested in a gameplay (spoilers ahead) I have one uploaded on my personal channel, feel free to watch:

Ever played through a game by just blinking? Yes, that's right - BLINKING.

Before Your Eyes developed by Goodbye World Games and published by Skybound Games is an hour long narrative, indie game you can download on Steam. It's a first-narrative adventure where you control the story - and affect its outcomes - with your real-life blinks.

It's only an hour long - based on my experience - it could be longer for others, I can't tell for sure but let's talk about this game and see why it's worth giving a go.

How it works

The game relies on your real-life blinks in order to progress the narrative/story. Yes, a webcam is required and yes the game uses the webcam to track your blinking. We've experienced games using webcams to track movement for the game but, personally, this blinking thing is something I've never experienced before. It's pretty straightforward and you do calibrate the webcam how to best detect your blinking.

The story begins after death, and embraces the myth-centered scenario of being ferried into the afterlife. This mythical ferryman helps you to pass on, but before that you must go through and relive key memories to figure out the meaning of your life. These scenarios play out in your screen and when you blink it will fast forward to a different time - how long into the future is uncertain.

It's such an experience as it really gives you that challenge of holding on to the memories by not blinking but eventually time comes up and you have to skip the memory. It's interesting, and maybe it's also an inspiration for this game, how the metaphor "Life passes in a blink of an eye" applies to this experience. It's emotional, it's personal and it touches on matters of family, aspirations and friendships. I will be lying if I said it didn't make me think or reflect on my own life experiences; choices, memories, perspectives.

Mechanics

There's nothing to it. It's a narrative adventure and you blink through to the end of it. I do have to say, it's best to spend time calibrating blink sensitivity of your game because I honestly had a difficult time not blinking and really experience each moment of the game. I had to cheat just to find out more details about some scenarios because I really wanted to know more of the story, because god damn it I blinked twenty thousand times. See candid photo below. 

That could be one downside of the game: not being able to fully experience everything because of the blinking challenge. But I guess that's the point of the game, that we can't hold on to the past no matter how we try. In any case, there are other interactions that require the mouse, not just the eyes but for the most part blinking is required to progress the game.

Why you should try it

The past couple of weeks, I've been searching for games that would replicate the feelings I had when I completed other story-rich games in the past like Kingdom Hearts, Hellblade: Senua, Titanfall2 and the list goes on really. My goal was to find something that would "touch" my heart since some of the games I've been playing prior had been competitive, etc. and I've been going into derealization a bit.

If you're looking for something that would give you a nice little warm feeling at the end, or a change in perspective about life as it is, or even just an intimate, immersive experience to get away from busy, noisy things... Before Your Eyes can be a nice escape.

*btw it's on sale on steam: https://store.steampowered.com/app/1082430/Before_Your_Eyes/

The Value of Video/Online Gaming

Surprisingly, online games are not the waste-of-time, eye-damaging, violence-promoting things that some people paint them out to be. In fact, there are plenty of valuable lessons and even skills that you gain from playing online games. I honestly want to dive deeper into the benefits of online gaming, not just for entertainment but for your mental health even, but that's another whole article so I'm pausing here. Let's get to it.

July 24 is International Self-care Day (yes, I am late to the party) and while there are a lot of self-care tips and checklists, routines, what is self-care, self-care importance, etc. content out there - have we really taken a moment to ourselves to look at the parts that need tending? A fair warning, this is not your laid back self-care post, this is an article about the deeper forms of self-care we need in life. Let's see how online gaming connects, here are some lessons you learn from online game that you can incorporate into your self-care.

via Gfycat

via Gfycat

Actually, asking for help is something that's normalized and is reflected well in the gaming community. Looking for a specific build? Ask for help. Wanting some tips and tricks to rank up on a specific hero? Ask for help. Need a guide to surpass an impossible level? Ask for help. The gaming community spawns countless content on gameplays, guides, tutorials, tips, suggestions and reviews for any and all gaming needs.

While they are all accessible enough, players themselves are willing to help other players because we all know what it's like to struggle through a game, we've all been there. We've all been a beginner, we've all been a noob. We all want to be able to enjoy the game in a state where we feel capable, when we get stuck, we don't necessarily ask for a cheat sheet but a small boost to keep the ball rolling because we know, we have it in our heads, "I can clear the game."

via Gfycat

I wish this kind of openness and normalization of asking for help in game is as easy and accessible in real life. It has it's own challenges, but it doesn't mean real-life help isn't available. Sometimes you just need to find the right community, person or even service provider. Being honest about the support you need or generally asking for help gives you a chance to feel a little more able. You know, that break you gotta catch, that small push, in order to find satisfaction in life again. Maybe it's not asking for help specifically that you need but simple, honest communication to either set boundaries or state what you really want or need from your job, your relationship, your family, friends or yourself.

So... there. Those are some, not all, of the lessons you learn in gaming that you can incorporate into your self-care regimen. Like I said, it's not your usual everyday self-care mini activities, gaming itself covers you on that.

Anyway, I most definitely just wanted to capture the importance of self-care while highlighting gaming as a source of such lessons. There's a whole lot more to this topic, for sure, but I hope this article helped open doors for you in terms of considering the nitty-gritty kind of self-care more and not just your usual hobbies kind of self-care.

By all means, continue the self-care activities that you do to uplift your mood and what not, just keep an open mind about deep-cleaning kind. Having laid that out on the table, tara, let's get back to the usual gaming and social media scrolling. Baboosh!

B R E A T H E

You have got a lot going on, and it's fucking tiring and tough and, yes, there's no other way than forward and through it.

Keep going.

It's painful, it's frustrating, it's debilitating and it feels like it goes on forever.

It doesn't, it's bound to stop somehow. Just as things can get worse, things can get better and right now it's a streak but streaks end and there has to be a break somewhere sometime.

Keep going, but don't forget to Breathe.

Don't get lost in the shit your mind makes up to add to the nonsense that is going on around you, make your own set of go-to thoughts to help ease this hell-hole you're in right now.

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So let's list it down.

First of all, you're more than enough - you're everything you're supposed to be plus potentials. Your mistakes in the past, your relapses, those regrets you keep slipping back into... those are not you. What you do afterwards to make up for it, to move forward, to catch yourself and rebuild yourself... that's you.

When was the last time you came out of something heartbreaking or traumatizing? What did you do in response to it, in order to protect or help yourself recover? What would you say is your best self-protection/ self-care/ self-loving method is?

You've got experience and you've come out of difficult times before, probably worse, don't sell yourself short. You're a warrior in your own right and have got the kit to survive this too.

Secondly, people love and care about you. Maybe friends and family have their own thing now or are not as available as you'd like but it doesn't mean they don't give a shit. It is true everyone has their own lives, and it is easy for attention to be placed elsewhere and even easier to forget remembering a person when things are tough for you too. Don't get disheartened when you try to reach out, they may not be able to respond now but when they're ready and free they'll definitely put things down and see how you are. Can you remember the times when friends came through for you? Who are those people that responded? How do you think they'll react when they find out you're not okay and what do you think they'll say?

Your loved ones care, maybe it might take a little more straightforwardness to ask for help but that's worth giving a try, right? Give them a chance to care for you.

Third, if things are that bad it's okay to do nothing, to sleep all day, sulk and summon the darkness down on your house and kill all the light that bears hope. Some days are just not winnable, and these days also sometimes need to be lost so your body can recuperate. Your mind is tired, your body will thank you for the extra rest and sleep and if it helps to pamper yourself with all manner of comfort food, music, movies and online shopping - please do. Go for it. Cope, however way you can.

And when things get a little easier, you'll be able to move to better coping mechanisms and shift to more helpful activities. But when things are just not working and nothing helps, rest. It's okay, there's tomorrow, there's next day. Take the day/s off, turn off your phone, curl up in bed, play your melancholy playlist, cry... it's not giving up - it's simply feeling. And maybe for a while that's what your body needs, to just feel and let it all out, let the depression run its course until it wears off.

But all throughout, as you surrender yourself to the moment, remember that you are loved and that this is not permanent. This will pass. And things will feel lighter again, and easier.

You are not this. Not one bit.

So breathe...and hang in there.

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If you do feel like you need to talk to someone, anyone, and nobody you know is available (and you are in the Philippines) try calling Crisis Line, it's Free, 24/7 and can be anonymous, responders provide immediate emotional support.. here are the numbers below: