It's not a secret, or a reveal, but I've struggled with mental health issues for as long as I can remember (since childhood, if that helps your imagination). I've always been on the depressive side most of the time but I do have "upper" moments that weren't so obvious because they were camouflaged as "productivity". But time went on I found myself struggling to understand the emotions and ways of thinking I find myself flipping through. I went through a major depressive episode, that was worse than anything I had before, which caused me to pause and get professional help. As I got better, bits and pieces seemed to still be out of place, and I wanted to make sense of myself, so I got myself assessed and it put me under the diagnosis of Bipolar 2. So that's today's topic, and something I've been wanting to write about as part of my self-acceptance.
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The helplessness is there, you feel like your thoughts and emotions are so tied with your moods there's not much control left. But that's where professional help comes in, and sometimes medication. Because it's not something you can just step out of by simply NOT WANTING it anymore, like moving on from a breakup or forgiving someone finally. This is a chemical imbalance in you that's also psychological, so dealing with this means daily, conscious effort. Conscious effort in the way you think, the way you speak, your diet, your physical activities, your social life, your digital intake, and so on. It means boundaries, pickiness even, extra health awareness and lots of introspection.
Before I share more, let's talk a bit about Bipolar 2 and Bipolar 1 (for context why there's a number 2 even, what's up with number 1 and all that). Let's go by the book first, according to the DSM-5 (Diagnostics and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders: Fifth Edition), Bipolar disorder is a Mood disorder: a biological illness where there's an imbalance in your brain chemicals causing you to experience mood cycles with contrasting symptoms. Here's what puts you in the category of Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2:
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source: https://floridabhcenter.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/Bipolar-Disorders_Adult-Guidelines-2019-2020.pdf
If you're not big into reading, here's a video by a licensed therapist, Kati Morton:
Having Bipolar 2 is often misunderstood as being the tamed version of Bipolar 1. It's easy to think this, given that Hypomania is basically the less severe form of Mania but Bipolar 2 comes with its challenges anyway that can be debilitating.
Mood Swings
It's often said, I can't say whether it's stigma because there's some truth to it, but being in the Bipolar spectrum often gets you listed as moody. Moods dip to all-time lows and then become all-time highs, but it's not erratic or instant like you'd think. It's really going through a cycle for each depression and hypomania/mania like you would change seasons. It takes weeks to months before moving on from one cycle, and within each cycle you do have symptom spikes that we call episodes. If you think it's confusing to hear about, it's a lot to handle for the person himself/herself experiencing the mood shifts.
Major depressive episodes aren't your usual depressive episodes. Maybe that's why they slapped "major" onto it. Sometimes there are reasons or triggers for your depression or hypomania, sometimes there aren't, but it lasts longer than when you'd feel depressed over an unfortunate occurrence in your life. The period goes on for weeks, months and sometimes even years, with helplessness and hopelessness at the center of it. Being Bipolar 2, there's a higher chance to spend more time being depressed than being in hypomania but there's always a cycle to it and the shift can be tiring.
Depression
Imagine losing all interest in the things you used to love doing, and finding no joy in socialization or simple, everyday pleasures. There's a cloud over your head, people are annoying, you don't want to get up in the morning, you can't fall asleep at night, you think nothing's going your way or ever will and it's hard to tell anyone how it feels because words just don't do it justice. You just want to die, but don't know how or when or where or if it's even going to put a stop to the endless sinking feeling. It's drama you can't escape and it's isolating.
Imagine having this feeling drag on for weeks or months, it affects your thinking of course. You start to feel tired, mentally and emotionally, you become wary of others or what they might think. You fall into cognitive distortions (distorted ways of thinking or way of processing information) and act in ways you would regret or engage in decisions that would cause you harm or simply put you in an even lower mood. It's basically carrying an invisible weight that you just don't know how to put down or where.
And then, somehow, a light flickers in you or it's a switch that flips out of the blue. Things start to look bright as if someone opened the doors and windows of your tortured soul, and life is beautiful, life is good.
Hypomania
Suddenly, you feel untouchable. There's a spring on your step and it feels like no matter what the world brings you, you're super good. Even at the height of failure you pick yourself up and brush yourself off knowing your next move will shake mountains. It's like you tapped into this god/goddess energy in you and everything you do or think of just falls into place.
Plans fall through, ideas flood in like a river in spring and for once your body can keep up. Sleep? there's no need for it, because all these beautiful projects and newly discovered goals are so engaging it would be a waste to sleep off the vigor that continuously rises in you. Newly charged, inspired, vibrant, powerful. That's what you are.
Until you're not.
Cycles and Consequences
So we cycle back to the endless pit of depression and wonder, how did I end up here again? The first switch you'd think maybe it's not that bad, I mean hypomania does sound like a really productive and therefore beneficial state, but it's not all sunshine and doom. When you're hypomanic there's a tendency to act on things without much deliberation and it often ends up with consequences that aren't beneficial at all. One of the best examples of this is overspending, there are a lot of tales of hypomanic episodes ending up in multiple "add-to-cart" instances where we give into the "craving" or the desire. Another example is drastic eating habits, some people end up overeating while others refuse to eat (dedicated to lose weight). Don't get me wrong though, just because you occasionally overspend or change your eating habits drastically it doesn't mean you're bipolar2. It's merely a habit that comes with it and it's not often noticeable compared to the activities people do when they're in a manic episode.
Hypomania can easily disguise itself as productivity for some people, which it often is, since it comes with all this extra vibrant energy. This is why the sleeping pattern is also affected, making you feel like there's no need to sleep at all. I don't think I need to expound on why lack of sleep is not good for the body. So I'll head on to relationships and socialization. When you're hypomanic you're miss congeniality, everyone's best friend OR that talkative, overindulgent guy with no boundaries. Take your pick, you may very well become both in a span of a day. It all depends on what's happening around you, what's triggering you and where your thoughts lead to that your actions burst through without restriction or any second thoughts. Impulsive? Definitely.
So there are things you end up doing, externally, that you would regret afterward whether it's after a hypomanic episode or a depressive episode. But there's also an internal perspective. When you're hypomanic you become more or less delirious in your way of thinking. You kind of put yourself on a pedestal and that self-grandiosity impairs your judgment. For example, what if you got into an argument or misunderstanding where you were, in fact, in the wrong. But because you are so self-assured and your self-esteem is just off the charts, you believe that you are right to the point of escalating the situation and making things worse, basically. Externally, that puts everyone involved in an uncomfortable situation, internally it creates a memory stamp of the occasion which you will, later on, remember and feel so embarrassed and ashamed of it fuels your depression.
Hypomania also don't always equal productivity. There are times it's just misplaced or unplaced energy. How that looks like is agitation. You know that feeling when you drink too much strong coffee where you palpitate and it's like there are tremors in your body? That's how it is sometimes. There's so much blood pumping in you that you don't know where to direct it, sometimes you find something to do and you end up fixated on it for hours consuming the surge of energy you have. Other times you're just curled up in bed, struggling to contain this- whatever this energetic surge is. Or pace back and forth throughout the night or maybe find something sharp to create an exit for this unwanted energy to ooze out of. It's not pretty but it is what it is. It's struggle, and we're not even talking about the depressive episodes.
Control?
It truly is a cycle and it's truly tiring when you're thrown from one heightened state to another. You're almost unsure of who you really are or what you are really capable of. It sometimes hits your sense of identity, maybe more times actually. So your sense of self is...unknown. There's a lot more to be said of it and I'm sure it's different for everyone but the intensity is there.
It's work.
I've run on long enough, I honestly wasn't sure what the message of this article is supposed to be but I just wanted to share insight on what it's like having Bipolar 2. I don't want to say being Bipolar 2 because I've learned that having this, or any, diagnosis does not define you and should not define you as a whole but instead give a better understanding on who you are as a person. I'm sure you've heard statements like this, "you are not your depression" etc., but it helps take away the helplessness and give you back a bit of power on what you can control so I'll take it and sprinkle it on for others too, thank you.
Anyway, that's that: One perspective on what it means to have Bipolar2, and I hope if you ever feel like it's something you or someone you know might have, seek out professional help for it so you're assured and will know how to deal with it. Everything written here is from a personal perspective and a bit of research online, so don't shy from doing yours to educate yourself better.
Until then.
