This is not about the kind of fresh love that rejoices discovering each other and bathes in the details of the person who you've been with for a few months or a year. I'm not talking about those breathtaking, giddy moments where you say, "this could be the one." nor fate bringing two souls together to kindle each other's fire. Not the passion ignited between two souls.

No.

I'm talking about time.

And Sisyphus; the god damned boulder and the never ending uphill trek.

I want to talk about what it means to love, time and time again, in spite of everything.

Love

I am, by no means, an expert. Not on this topic, not in marriage, relationships or what-have-you. I'm your average human meat pondering on these thoughts, with an intention to understand and learn something I can better my life with.

What this is is an internal discussion, an exploration, and maybe my way of achieving some form of closure. But I need to write this, because where I am in life right now is I am Sisyphus with the motherfucking boulder, going uphill, thinking What is this all for? To what end?

That may sound gloomy, and probably tinted with angst, but more than anything it's just me trying to make sense of this... Thing. This life-encompassing thing we call Love. 

TIME

Some people move forward in their relationships after just a few months, settle into a cozy life together, and plan things without doubt or fear of things not lasting after all. Some people take years before they even move in together, while others get married in 2 years or less, others take decades. It's different each time, each person, each situation.

Regardless of your relationship's age, time proves love. It's not in the intensity of the feeling, or the amount of gifts or cuddles you give, but the number of times you show up for your partner when it matters most. How often did you forgive? How many times were you patient and understanding? How many times, in every unique, trying situation, did you choose to stay?

"For better or worse" does not hold itself without the passage of time.

It's not just time: length - but time: frequency + length.

How many times did you set aside your personal interests, emotions, point-of-view or side-of-the-story, to put yourself in someone else's shoes, hear what they have to say and really listen, or simply forgive? How often do they do the same?

I guess it's not about time as in how long you've been together. But time as in how often do you come through for each other that really speaks about the strength of your love, or rather the quality of it. This is where long-term relationships do have an advantage over newer ones as it provides them more moments to experience these opportunities to show the quality of their love. And it provides them enough data to determine what works and what doesn't. Of course, some relationships, despite being quite new can have a lot of moments spent together where situations demand showing up for each other.

Either way, some time is required to have passed by at the very least, for us to have the opportunity show up for our loved one.

COMPREHENSION

We can spend all our lives trying to teach our partners how to love us or what makes us feel safe but if they can't comprehend that puts extra obstacles in our course. Maybe that's what marriage counseling is for, or well-meaning friends. You know, trying to find a translator so you both understand the mysterious "point" that the other is trying to make. Although that's kind of an issue isn't it? Maybe they're not making a "point"... maybe they just want to be heard, and seen, for who they are, what matters to them, what they value. And here you are, counting eggs in the basket.

EFFORT

It's not always the chocolates or the flowers. It's time spent dedicating yourself to your person, and it's for the menial things - not your scheduled dates - like accompanying them to their mother's, or picking up materials for a renovation. Even staying up just to listen to them talk about how they don't feel right in this world. What do you do that says, "You matter enough to spend time and effort on."?

What does Effort mean anyway? What effort is to me might be peanuts to you. That's such a bothersome enigma, isn't it? I guess this is something worth discussing together, since not all relationships have the same needs and wants. For some, effort is not just meeting your partner halfway but all the way through when they're momentarily incapable. For others it's going beyond what's usual for you, going out of your own way, changing your perspective - all for the sake of your partner's well-being. Or maybe it's simply choosing to make an effort to learn what makes your person feel loved, and adhering to it, instead of following trivial acts of how society thinks love looks like.

In any case, the makings of our relationships lie within our choices.

CHOICE

Sometimes you can spend over a decade giving your all to someone and they wouldn't even notice it's there. Sometimes you meet online and in just two months you're holding hands, making love, and forgetting everything and everyone else. Infatuation is such a precursor to Love that it's difficult to know that something will last long until it's fully dissipated. And Love is such an obstruction to your deep emotional needs, it's hard to see whether what you have is something that is right and good for you.

So how do we know?

We choose.

Time takes us across as we make effort to comprehend each other during our most unlovable moments. In between all these conversations, circumstances, opportunities and problems - we make our choice. Over and over again, we choose.

To move on, or let go.

To forgive, or forget.

To change, or walk away.

To hurt, or to heal.

WHAT IF

What if they don't choose us? After all the ways we've changed, improved, adjusted and compromised - in the end, we are not the choice? We can count all of the ways we've been the bigger person, have swallowed our pride and took the most risk - just for this to happen. Just for this to work.

And no matter how much of a saint or a martyr you've been, that still won't change the fact that it didn't work. It didn't happen. What now?

How do we love?

What do we do in response to the people that hurt us? That use us? That come, that go, that bring in happiness, and then bring in pain, and leave it there for you to deal with for months or even years. How do we come out of this?

And that's where it gets interesting, really. The more we cope through the absence of "love" the more we find that there's an abundance of it elsewhere - in different forms. There's love from your family, love from your friends, hell - even from your pets. We find love in a book, or an artwork in a gallery, by an artist you don't know but feel connected to. We find love in the mountains, while the sun breaks through the summit. In a beach, during high tide under moonlight. In a busy city street, eating Chinese, watching people pass by on the way to their lives.

In ourselves.

In the way we brush our hair after shower.

How we make ourselves a cup of coffee before work.

How we set time for movies and tv series.

How we treat ourselves to our favorite things.

How we allow ourselves to cry, when things swell up.

How we tell ourselves, "It's gonna be okay. You're okay."

And it's still a surprising thing, despite it happening often - it's not how we love them but how we love ourselves that brings meaning to the experience.

And maybe this is what it is.

It's not a love story between two people, but a love story of the self...

damn.

Work from home is convenient, but far from easy. Many have struggled defining when work begins and ends when there's no physical boundary to help draw the line and say "I already clocked out", which is something that working in an office provides. Yet working at home saves us money and commute-time, but then office work provides more human interaction. There are so many pros and cons, the list goes on.

Before munching in to the topic, let's first address this situation we are currently in. It's been 2 years into the pandemic and we've all adjusted in our own personal ways despite the deep, deep yearning for "normal". Things are still far from the clearing but it's something to be grateful for that more people are getting vaccinated and restrictions have lifted, allowing face-to-face get-togethers and travelling again. Many who had transitioned to a work-from-home setup are now being called back to the office too. Yayyy! or is it Nooo?

It's a bittersweet return to the old normal, there are some things to miss, and not, in working from home. But are we really eager to go back to working at the office? Is the new normal more convenient now? Let's discuss certain "work elements" and the advantages and disadvantages of both working from home and working in the office.

Work Space

If you've worked from home, you relate to the struggles of finding the perfect spot at home for a zoom backdrop, and finding a suitable work "desk" which happens to change from time to time.

Along with finding the perfect work space at home, stability is an issue we've had to struggle with not because we're picky with the work space we end up with, but because we sometimes need a change of scenery so we migrate to another part of the house.

Workmates

There’s a level of motivation and productivity added when you know you have fellow people working with you or just beside you. It's the general vibe that gets you in the zone. At home you work around others: someone cooking, watching tv, the dogs barking, cats meowing, kids shouting and whatever god forsaken sounds the house can produce during a meeting.

On the other hand, there are quiet moments at home, like when you work the night, there's a stretch of peace for ultimate focus which isn't something you can replicate in an office what with all the impromptu meetings and tasks, and your sprinkle of chikahan. 

Commute

There's no pros and cons here, commuting to work cannot topple over not having to at all. It saves time, effort and adds to your sanity not going through the daily 2-3 experience.

Daily Expenses