Overwhelmed and fatigued, emotionally, physically, spiritually... I wrote this on Reddit:

"I am 37, a married woman with a teenage son, a cat, a dog. Friends in person, friends online - sure, have a community? yeah.. but.. all the days when things are quiet or hectic and difficult.. I cannot talk to any of them... i can't.

Partly them, because they don't know how to be there, and partly me, because I don't know what help to ask for my sake. And.. the people who i thought.. were safe spaces, THE nerds i could be..just me with.. they're alright, but.. when I'm down like this... I can feel they are uncomfortable..

it isnt anybodys fault that they dont know how to meet me here when im here..like this.. but i wish someone was...

i thought the love of your life, or your husband, could be that.. but life has, timelessly, proven to me that it is never the case for all....

all i ever asked, for always as always i can remember...all i ever really need. is just one person. just one. who can meet me where i am and not flake, or grow less, but actually..be with me. through it all, the ups and downs, the confusion and the happiness.. an honest partner in crime, in life in success and failure.

i dont need a fucking ring. or another vow or signed papers, promises and plans or strategies, getting my last name changed or being called Mrs.Whatsit.. i want the real thing..

i don't need the romtantic shit.. i want the truest thing in the world...

the stuff that keeps you up even when it gets you down at times..

the real thing. the kind that say, without a damn word, "i got you. now. for always."

and i dont even know if anyone knows. or understands what im looking for or why.. 

i am just utterly tired of living as myself so apart from everyone else when it matters the most...

everyone wants the same thing.. that unconditional love that  lasts a lifetime...

i want something that doesn't need to be named.

it just exists between you two because you two show up for it to the best you can without being asked, or told or reminded. 

the real fucking thing.

it does not last a lifetime, it just is and it is cos we both decide it to be, every time, every chance we get to choose, we just choose us..."

I know it's a tall order. It's commitment in essence, it's reliability and presence - willingly given. 

Reciprocity is closest word I can get to it, when it is about between two people.

Just... meet me, not always not everyday, but when it matters most.

not a knight in shining armor or any superhero-saver person come to rescue

I don't need rescuing...

i need to be seen, and held and valued.

i don't want to you to come save me and make things better

i just need one person.

one person who sits beside me and says, "maybe not now, but sometime when you're ready, you got this. and I'm here to make sure you know it til you do."

come meet my soul.

come see me for me and show yourself for all of you.

i need that one person that invites me in

and doesn't just ask to come in, but gently puffs up the pillow on my couch and make sure there's space for two.....

i don't know who will ever get it.

the people i know certainly don't.