Nuong hindi pa ako nag-thetherapy at wala akong idea about mental health, sobrang unhealthy ng coping mechanisms ko. 

Nag-iisolate ako - that's one. I binge spend on food, random things I don't need, game for hours without break and converse with random people anonymously about random things.  I go into limerence. I'd even daydream all day, talking to myself like I'm talking to a friend or am in a group, acting out scenarios in my head where things are more interesting and the fate of the world is at hand.

So, NO. I am not exactly Well.

Pero ang main thing ko, pag hindi ko macontain ang emotions ko... naglalaslas ako, and then kapag feeling ko hindi ako totoo or manhid ako.. naglalaslas din ako.

Kapag wala ako masabihan, at hindi ko ma-validate yung sakit na nararamdaman ko at feeling ko kailangan ma-justify ang pain..naglalaslas ako... 

In my mind, hindi na ako mang aabala ng iba, kaya ko na to, okay na to, nag wowork naman, I find some relief. Wala naman nakakaalam. Nakatago lahat. Walang nakakakita. Walang naapektuhan. Ako lang.

Okay na to. 

"Walang naapektuhan. Ako lang."

is a statement na hindi ko inisip na mali. 

I thought about others. Yes, okay lang, wala kasi nakakaalam or mag naalala, kasi magaling ako magtago. So never an issue.

Pero pano ako? Anong effect sakin?

Naging reliant ako sa coping method na yun, hindi na ako natuto magcope in a progressive way. Instant relief ang habol ko. Quick fix. Scars are validation for my pain. Hindi ko na inaddress yung emotions and thoughts na nag cause ng ganung desire. Naging cycle nalang sya ng self-soothing, self punishment, and self reward... and I never worked through what drives it all. Hindi ako naghangad ng more, or rather BETTER state. Good enough na. Mairaos lang.

I didn't treat myself as a person that needed tending. It wasn't even for attention or anything, it was a SURVIVAL TACTIC. I just needed to get through the day para makapag function. Be a mom. A wife. A sister. A daughter. A friend. A proper human being...

Don't worry. I did get diagnosed. Yes, there is trauma. Yes, may mental health disorder. I did get therapy. I did get medicated. For more than half a decade that's what I did...

Pero naglaslas padin ako.

Habit na sya... all that repetitive behavior put me on autopilot so as soon as I feel a certain unwanted way - ang instant solution na naiisip is that - maglalaslas ako. Ang hirap nyang iwasan. Especially when the emotions are deep and aggravating. Feeling ko wala akong ibang solusyon. Walang BETTER WAY. 

My therapists (nakakarami na ako, mga 7 na) and my psychiatrists (4 palang so far haha) all tell me I don't need to BREAK the habit. 

I just need to OVERRIDE IT WITH A NEW ONE.

A better coping method. 

A healthier alternative. One that is more fulfilling than comforting, and a consistent habit - integrated into my lifestyle - rather than a temporary-fix.

Sabi nila mag workout ka. Mag sports ka. Move. Get out of the house. Socialize. Join a club. Get a new hobby. Join a support group. Do volunteer work.

It felt like a tall order. Limiting belief mode activated, syempre:

Homebody ako. I like cuddling with my pets, playing games online, drawing and painting and reading books and having deep, existential conversations through text. I write better than I talk. Art is my language... But the outer world. It's my biggest challenge.

People scare me. They're INTERESTING and DYNAMIC - but people are fucking scary. You let them in, and they will break you. You give them a piece of you, and they will leave no crumbs. And yet...you want a connection. It was just too weird and alien to me.

But don't worry. I stepped out of that comfort zone. I tried finding a connection in small spaces, anonymously, in a game, in a fan club, through pen pals and poetry.

Kaya it was such a blessing that In Touch Community Services came into my life. Nag volunteer ako sakanila for a while but na-integrate as part of the organization. And it has been the most fulfilling and meaningful work I have ever done in my life so far.

I belonged to a community with Empathy, Kindness, Inclusivity, Understanding and Acceptance. It was the first community that fostered my growth. My learning, understanding mental health, my importance, that I'm allowed to take up space in the world and I have a right to speak my thoughts and feelings. And to express my wants, my hopes, my dreams.

That it's okay to be different. Because we all are.

I THRIVED. 

I discovered skills and purposeful goals I didn't know I was attuned to or even capable of. I love that mental health community. It is one of my warmest, fondest experience. To just know I'm not alone. Even if I don't ask for help or share so much - but to just know that should I ever need someone, I have a community to turn to. That assurance. That safety net. I felt secured somehow. 

Imagine that security crumbles kasi I had to move out of the country to fix my marriage. Inuproot ko ang buhay namin ng anak ko sa Pinas to move and start anew sa UAE where I don't know anyone and I don't know if I will even have access to the resources I need: therapy, medication, emotional support.

Again... people fucking scare me. It's a love-hate relationship. I love people, I'm highly intrigued by every single person I meet... Yet I can also demonize everyone. I'm not perfect. People are not perfect. So I don't just trust.

I just observe and yes, I fucking judge, and until I am sure that it is safe to be me... I'll just stay in my corner and let them exist around me while I just listen and watch. "I'm fine right here. Exist lang kayo dyan. And until you deserve it, di ko kayo abalahin." - high ang self preservation. High ang self protection.

The Kaizen Community was a surprising thing to me. Akala ko kasi noon In Touch Community Services was my jackpot. Parang one-time big win ko and that I lost it so hindi na ako makakahanap ng ganoong community. Sa isip ko kasi... Meron bang community na ganun ka-supportive and understanding and inclusive and growth-minded na Hindi Mental Health related?

I mean... I grew up with mapanghusga, vain at chismosang mga kababaihan and ang teen and adolescent years ko was surrounded by testosterone-induced, porn-driven boys who only see women as items for scoring and "weaker" men for backstabbing.

I didn't believe there was a BETTER crowd. I just thought that's just the world. That's just how people are.

Even family was a confusing thing. We love each other but we have such awful ways of showing it through manipulation, silent treatments, emotionally-fuelled confrontations, drama drama drama.

Another limiting belief.

Kaya all these communities I've been with were a surprise to me. I always felt... Out of place. I thought I was stupidly different and awkward and off.

It turns out, I was just in the wrong environment. I was coping in an environment that doesn't allow me to grow. Yung soil na kinatatayuan ko... It was just fucking dry. Hindi sya malaman, hindi sya healthy. Wala akong nakukuhang support or encouragement or enlightenment or any kind of validation or inspiration. 

So kahit anong gamot or therapy or self-work, self development or badminton or extra hobbies ko. Not even my art... Sustained me.

I can't do it alone. I mean I can for the most part....but not here, not in an environment that judges me, criticizes me and puts me down - and paints me different and punishes me for it.

I needed nourishment. And I'm only human. People fucking scare me. But I need people in my life... 

I need support. 

I need to belong. 

I need to feel human too. 

I need to know I'm real. I matter. That my pain is real, that they are valid and that even if there's nobody in the fucking woods...my cries are still cries and they still make a sound.

And yes. Another person has to be there to let me know that. Yes, a therapist can say that. My sister says that all the time, my best friend does too. And yes I will always be thankful my main supports are there for me. My sister and brother most of all. My friends. But they have their own limit, and I love them way too much to want to ask for more ALL THE TIME. Because I am fucking sad, ALL THE TIME.

But a community is an abundant source of support and encouragement. A community of the same wants and desires. Same goals and aspirations. Same outlook and mindset. 

Kasi you see them. You meet them. Consistently. There's not just one support but many. They ask you about your day. They tell you about theirs. And yes that sounds so fucking simple but sometimes that's all you need. People in the same journey as you, who understand what you want in life. What you're aiming for. Who GETS YOU. Who knows how to respect you and assist you - kasi you speak the same language.

The language of GROWTH.. of CHANGE.. of IMPROVEMENT. Of knowing the grass is green where you water it, and DOING IT. 

DOING IT. 

That's the biggest part. YOU DO IT TOGETHER.

My therapists and psychiatrists all tell me. Have a workout routine, have a sport, get a hobby, join a club, join a support group, socialize...

And I've been finding those things in separate places on different occasions at different stages of my life. But with these communities... I had them ALL-IN-ONE.

People scare me. But the things that lead you to better circumstances are often scary... Minsan nakakatakot sila kasi hindi ka pa ready for that kind of change. For that kind of solution. 

But now I am glad I stepped out. Or rather, I stepped through... 

Naglalaslas ako noon. Kasi, sa sarili ko, iyon ang nag work for me on my own. Ang kapalit: sarili kong growth, sarili kong respeto at yung ability ko to move on and do better and want better. I was SETTLING. 

Don't get me wrong. Marami padin times na nasa edge ako, may hawak na na blade at kulang nalang iguhit sa balat. Pero somehow I find the strength not to.

Through the people in these communities I saw my worth. My value. They told me. They showed me with how they treated me, how they accepted me, supported me, gave me space to just be me and open up on my own. No pressure. No expectations. Just acceptance. And I was so scared of people...

I just needed nourishing grounds lang pala all this time. I just needed to find THE RIGHT PEOPLE.

Remember how when we're depressed we ISOLATE. And then it gets worse and goes in circles.

But with a COMMUNITY... The right community...

The sadness is still there, but it feels smaller, more temporary than permanent. Less important - and just... more manageable.

Yes. Naglalaslas ako... Noon.

Ngayon, I'm too busy thinking about my goals for the next months, upskilling, figuring out my life purpose, focusing on family and caring for my home and marriage... And on the worst days... The activities sa Kaizen community distract me from even thinking of harming myself... I go to the gym 3-4x a week, I sleep better, I wake up better. Kasi yun ang ginagawa ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Yun ang influence nila. And it is contagious. 

Yes I get burnt out padin. Yes, I still get overwhelmed. Yes, people are still tiring, and no I am never gonna be cured of my mental health disorder and i will always bring my past with me. 

Pero dahil alam ko I am in a nourishing environment, I don't just settle anymore. 

I dare to dream for better days and better circumstances. 

I don't just thrive anymore. I am flourishing.

Despite the mood swings, despite trauma flashbacks, despite insecurities and fears... I feel less different. Rather, UNIQUE. And we all are. I see the people I'm surrounded with right now and they all feel different but the same. Different goals but same mindset and outlook in life. Same approach, with personalized tweaks.

And for once I feel reassured.

I will slip up someday. I might. I might not. Pero whatever happens, I feel secured that I have a support system, purposeful activities, goals to aim for, and meaningful days to go through cos this time hindi na ako nagrerely sa instant relief. Sa temporary fix. Sa OKAY NA TO - WALA NAMANG APEKTADO.

Ngayon hindi na HABIT ang meron ako but a LIFESTYLE..

Na nagsasabing OKAY AKO. NAG GGROW AKO.