A World of Wonder That's Real
6:12:00 AMMost of my life was driven by fantasy.
As a child there's no better coping than a fantasy story that's more meaningful than mine. I loved the idea of tree nymphs, ancient gods bickering since the beginning of time and the demon inside my heart. A mountain of books and movies fed me; they formed my world of wonder and they fueled me.
See, I had a sad life. Not because it was sad, but because I was.
Fantasy was my escape but the problem is not that I was a dreamer. The problem is that I was an escapist who had been travelling the wrong way.
I wanted to see the world, you know, have and adventure like everyone else. But the world of wonder I chose was not tangible, they were shortcuts and although it's so easy to visit it simply isn't real. I wasn't grounded, my head was up in the clouds.
No matter how hard I dreamed of the greener pastures in New Zealand or the aurora it never grazed my feet or blessed my eyes. I'd never see the savanna or the pink lake, or the devil's kettle. I'd never walk into the forest and meet a stag, or see the sun rise up from the sea... Not in real life.
And then I became a mother. An unexpected, unprepared, bat-sh*t scared mother with issues the size of Jupiter and damm'it I was not emotionally and psychologically capable of caring for a child. I couldn't even care for myself, I mean, who dreams about riding a Glyph while crossing the streets of Espanya?
I feared for my son and although my husband had been rehabilitating me for the past few years I was shattered from fear. I couldn't bear the thought that, as the person I was, I could ruin my son's life.
My coping mechanism had been set to "fantasy escape" during times of troubles, that time I didn't leave. I didn't choose to be elsewhere. My adventurous escapades were suddenly over.
When I gave birth to my son I started feeling real. My world of wonder shifted, changed in an instant, as I gazed over my own little creation.
Remember the song from Disney's Tangled? It just about summed up all I had been feeling my entire unprepared pregnancy. All of those fights, those over-the-top meltdowns and self-wrenching doubts...it all boiled down to this little critter. And he doesn't have a clue.
"All at once, everything looks different. Now that I see you."
I saw in my newborn indescribable wonders. The stories of fairies and haunting demons in books that I'd held dear are incomparable to this baby's existence. His cries were astounding, wonderful, alarming, exciting...enlightening. Now that I think about it, I believe that no Banshi's scream or Selki's songs could compare to my son's vocal capacity.
My son, and of course my husband, grounded me. I swear my husband took more damage than he could ever handle in a week. If it wasn't for his strong mentality and patience, I would have slipped through and never resurfaced from my world of imaginations.
They grounded me and everything else crumbled: all those efforts, worries, issues and past hauntings. I didn't realize it at the time, but everything was set back to zero for me.
I became balanced and surprisingly more adventurous, with no desire to escape. Why would I?
Free men do not dream of escape.
They freed me in a way. My husband, who had been helping me change positively for the past few years, unknowingly prepared me for my biggest trial and my son, who was my biggest trial then, caught all my attention. They grounded me, and I had never been so awake in such a long time.
I'm not as escapist anymore. I'm still a dreamer, except this time the dreams have grown and evolved.
I still see the savanna on boring late afternoons.
I still think about the Coyote at midnight when I hear dogs howl and I never stopped wondering why the gods never bothered to put a lock on our heads...
New Zealand, the aurora and seven more things on my list...they're still there but much closer now. We are not just dreaming anymore. It's not just me anymore, it's us.
The wonderful thing is not that we're all dreamers, my husband, son and I.
What's wonderful is that we're making dreams come true now. We're planning, we're saving up, aiming, taking picks and settings our eyes on the future.
Because of our son, my husband and I are even more determined to get there. It's a wonder that after so much ugly crying and soul-crushing arguments he's still here at my side... my world of wonder could never be so awe-inspiring as it is now without him and my son.
A life full of wonders. That's what we want, especially for our son. If we can't raise him perfectly, imperfect and in-need-of-polishing as we are, maybe we can give him the sea, the shore, the desert and the oases:
Everything and everywhere we can go to and he'll never have to escape because there won't be any need to. It'll be tangible, it'll be real, and his world of wonder will be like ours: imperfect, unpredictable, messy and real.
Far better than anything he can imagine, this I'm sure of.
...and yes, I am referring to New Zealand. It's our dream place.
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